The 4 steps to love: How to find love and live a life of love

“What can I do to find love?”
“What is the best strategy to meet a life partner?”
“How do you help people looking for a relationship?”
“What is your best advice for singles looking for love?”

When I moved to Sweden, I was often asked these questions. I reflected and analysed my decade of matchmaking and coaching singles and came to an answer, which I can now lay out for you… the 4 steps to love.

This is it in a nutshell:

• Step 1: Stop repeating old patterns. Become mindfully aware of how your past has influenced how you love today.
• Step 2: Stop adapting. Live your authentic life now, with your values at heart.
• Step 3: Don’t fall in love. Understand your core requirements for compatibility and select accordingly.
• Step 4: Don’t leave love to chance. Take conscious action towards the love your desire.

Rather than just hunting for the perfect match, this is a conscious approach to help you encounter love.

This love, I have described as the boring kind of love that is safe, secure, healthy and sustainable. From whence, there is a stable foundation for adventure, excitement, exploration, pain, growth and a shared future combining individual dreams and desires.

Step 1 - Be mindful of how your past has influenced how you love today.

Your previous experiences of love, starting from childhood, have shaped who you are and how you love today.

Most people are unconsciously falling into the same patterns over and over again. Being attracted to ‘the wrong people’; giving too much and feeling unappreciated; adapting and feeling unseen... It often seems to me that we are programmed to act in ways that result in the opposite of what we truly need.

A way to break these patterns is to reflect on where they started – where did you learn that? With more awareness you can start taking more helpful actions that not only fulfil your core needs but start to heal the source of the pattern.

• When did you feel the most content, safe and loved? What was present in those moments?
• What was easy for your parents to give you?
• What did you long for, that your parents struggled to give?

• What felt good in your romantic relationships?
• What did you long for in your romantic relationships that your partners struggled to give?

Step 2 - Stop adapting. Live your authentic life now, with your values at heart.

The best strategy to find a long-term partner is to be more you.

It might seem very simple, but a huge challenge when trying to start a relationship is adapting: Being what we think other’s want us to be. However, our most attractive version is our authentic self.

One way to be your authentic self, which the relate app supports well, is to work out your values, practice living life with your values at heart so that you meet potential partners with shared values.

Another aspect to live an authentic life, is about living now! Many put life on hold, until you meet a partner, for example. However, life is happening now, and you are more likely to meet your partner if you are there, now.

Step 3 Don’t fall in love. Understand your core requirements for compatibility and select accordingly.

You have all heard of people falling in love. Don’t be one of them. Instead, consciously select partners who fulfil your core relationship requirements and who can meet your deeper needs.

• Know what your non-negotiables are in a relationship. This is your gateway, what you use to select and decide whether or not to lean in.
• Understand what your core relationship needs are and select people who can meet your needs.
• Be aware of the factors that bring you energy, excitement and attraction
• and let them go. Chemistry, passion and commonality is important, but rather than having expectations, explore what unique connection you can discover with each individual you meet.

Step 4 - Don’t leave love to chance. Take conscious action towards the love your desire.

In this final step, rather than passively waiting for love to knock you off your feet, I suggest taking conscious action towards the love you desire, whilst keeping in mind steps 1 – 3.

And by conscious action, I mean the most helpful (and healthy) action towards your purpose.

This could be taking a dating detox for a month to reboot and focus on self-care. It could be reaching out to friends for introductions, joining singles networks, going to interesting events, personal growth, challenging yourself, nurturing yourself, etc.

You find people in communities, so be a part of communities that are aligned with your values or interests. At the same time, build a loving community around you, where you are met with love and which has capacity to hold love

There you go.

Four simple steps towards love. This is the bases of our coaching and matchmaking programmes at https://lemarcthomas.com/. We are humbled by how this has helped many of our clients and we are excited to share it with you.